Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
