You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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