In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
