It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
