I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I enjoy the company of your penis
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
