I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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