Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
that's an acceptable place to lick
our cab driver is having phone sex.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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