mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
