I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
