Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
