So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
