i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
