long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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