Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Thanks for going with me today. Itās been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
Itās called āshopping for lingerieā and itās one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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