the condom got lost in my hair
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
