My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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