so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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