Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So squirting runs in the family.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
