so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
