talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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