The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
