I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
