You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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