I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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