If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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