I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
