aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
