Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
