You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
