I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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