Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
