I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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