Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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