No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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