i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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