That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
