toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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