I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
