you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
