this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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