So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
