Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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