So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
