Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
