My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize