4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
