Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
