he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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