I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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