the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Randomize
