Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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