That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
