when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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