I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
