Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
