i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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