Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
