I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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